The Dance of Anger Book Review

The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner

Has a book ever found you when you most needed it? I found “The Dance of Anger” in the clearance section at Half-Price Books at a time in my life when my relationship with my mother was let’s just say ‘strained’. We all have those times, yeah? Weathered and worn as our attempts to connect, its cover promised a way to change the pattern of relationships, a hopeful oasis to cool our heated debates. And it delivered.

With an insightful exploration into the kaleidoscope of emotions, the author brings your relationships to life through the metaphor of dance. Each person plays a role that’s molded and fortified over the years, until the pattern no longer works.  Or someone grows and wants something different. And change stretches a distance between you. 

This desire or need for change is often a cause of anger, a universal and healthy human emotion. The book helps dissect the tricky dynamics of anger that follow and guides you through the intricate steps of the dance. 

The author skillfully highlights the often-overlooked fact that relationships tend to follow patterns, be they romantic, familial, or professional. Her insight into the psychology of these patterns, and how they affect our behavior and emotions was a revelation to me. 

But she didn’t stop there, she also offered encouragement and support in confronting and changing your dynamics proactively and with intention. So that you and your loved ones can create a healthier and more fulfilling relationship together. The idea that two people can co-create a ‘customized’ relationship that works for you was completely new to me, and I fell in love. 

The authenticity of her writing, and friendly, warm tone was motivating without sounding preachy. Her practical exercises and relatable examples made the book engaging and energizing. Her approachable discussions and emphasis on the significance of open, honest communication in relationships made it sound attainable, even the part where you express your anger constructively – and I had never thought that was possible!

Maybe it was the power of her prose, but her words made an impact on me I still remember to this day. And though it’s almost 20 years later I find them more powerful and relevant than ever. 

She made me feel empowered, take notes, talk to people about what I read, try things out, and go back and re-read. Multiple times.

What’s more is that I felt a sense of camaraderie with her, like she was my guide through the emotional journey. 

In a genre often saturated with clichés, “The Dance of Anger” was a much-appreciated breath of cool, fresh air. And I have more fulfilling, deeper relationships because this book happened to be on sale that day all those years ago, at just the right place, at just the right time.

Thank you Universe, and thank you Harriet Lerner!

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